Preface
Rhyvvic Donahue stood, pacing back and forth outside the door to the high council of the unseelie court. He twined his fingers behind his back as he continued his path up and down the wide hallway. Rhyvvic did not like to be kept waiting. But, the queen had summoned him and one did not ignore a direct order from the queen of darkness and shadows. The door burst open and Bien, the queens consort appeared in a swirl of long silvery hair and burgundy robes. The queen requests your presence. His voice came in a commanding tone and he immediately turned and disappeared back through the doors from which he came. He did not bother to see if Rhyvvic followed, he didnt need to. What the queen wanted, the queen got. Anyone who stood against her would face her wrath. Rhyvvic shuddered at the very thought.
The high council was a large echoing chamber etched out of stone that had been polished until it shone. The only light came from a scattering of torches that were fixed to the walls, the flames reflecting of the polished stone to shoot rays of eerie light around the room. Great black curtains hung from the balconies that would normally be occupied by the queen and her attendants had court been in session. However, this was not a regular meeting of the council. Rumors were forming that something had stirred the queens interest in the great prophecies. Though, what precisely had her so tense no one seemed to know. Rhyvvic had a sinking feeling that he was about to find out.
A large oak table had been placed at the front of the hall, the queen seated at the head, surrounded by the most trusted of her council. Bien took his place by her right side, folding his large, dark frame into the seat and placing his hand over the queens. Something was obviously very wrong if the queen was allowing herself to be openly comforted. Rhyvvic swallowed around the growing lump in his throat as he approached, dropping to one knee and taking the queens hand into his as he drew it to his lips and brushed a kiss across her knuckles.
Queen Aesinath, I humbly accept your summons. How may I be of service to you, my queen? He remained kneeling as the ceremonious greeting fell from his lips.
The queen slipped her hand from his and placed it under his chin, pulling him upwards. She waved off Biens hand with the other to gesture to the chair to her left. Sit, Rhyvvic. That was all that she said, in that melodic voice of hers, a voice so hauntingly beautiful that one would be reminded of nightmares and darker things while never wanting it to stop. A shiver ran down Rhyvvics spine as he obeyed and took the seat beside her.
A large book had been spread across the table, its pages yellowed with age and its binding a softened leather. The queen lifted the book in her hands and turned it towards Rhyvvic, placing one gleaming white finger on the page where text had been scrawled in ancient script. The prophecy speaks of our time, of the death of Faery. As you may know, our lands are dying. The fertility of our race is a distant memory. We havent celebrated birth in well over a century. The enchanted halls are dying out; even our hands of magic have begun to fade. Faery is dying and along with it, its people. Rhyvvic stared at the page, willing himself not to look into the queens face. He was sure he would find malevolence behind those iridescent, black eyes of hers. The queen didnt take lightly to being threatened and the death of Faery was the highest threat there was. Rhyvvic only hoped there was a glimmer of hope written on these pages.
I am well aware, my queen, of such unfortunate occurrences. I only hoped there was a way to restore us to the wonder we once were.
I am pleased you see it that way, Rhyvvic, for I have summoned you here for that very purpose. A wicked smile spread across her horrifically, beautiful face. Rhyvvic visibly shuttered and her laughter echoed throughout the great room. The prophesy speaks of a child, one that bridges the divide between mortal and immortal, one that will restore our lands. You will bring me that child, Rhyvvic.
Rhyvvic opened his mouth to speak. There were a thousand questions circling his head. How was he to find the child? How would he know where to find it? When was it to be born? But-
He was cut off abruptly by the queen and the swirl of her anger so thick on the air it choked him and he gasped for breath. You will bring me that child, Rhyvvic. She repeated. Your mother was part mortal. The queen almost spat those words. Being of mixed blood had been his curse. Youll fit in quite nicely.
Rhyvvic came to a sudden realization. She meant to send him to the human realm? He opened his mouth to protest. Surely there was someone more suited, some other way. But the queen held up her hand. Do not fail me, Rhyvvic. His last vision was of the queens face, twisted in that frighteningly wicked smile. Then he was hurtling through space and time.
He landed in a most awkward fashion, skidding along in the dirt among the rolling hills of Scotland. Standing slowly, he brushed the dust from his cloak, rearranging himself as he looked out along the great spans of open land before him. Rhyvvic huffed, a great expelling of breath, in annoyance. The queen had obviously been plotting ways to be rid of his 'tainted', half-breed self for some time. It just so happened the impending death of Faery gave her the excuse she had been looking for to banish him. He should have known that her sudden upspring of favor was not genuine. He bristled with contempt as he attempted to shift himself back to Faery to give her a piece of his mind.
But, nothing happened. He tried again, concentrating on separating his molecules and wafting on the air. Again, he remained where he was. "Oh, by Danu, curse you!" He shouted to the air, his thick, rolling voice echoing through the hills. The queen had cut his ties to Faery, he could no longer shift to the realm of the Sídhe.
Rhyvvic fumed, suddenly panicked that she had truly banished him and stripped him of his powers. He closed his eyes and attempted a short jump, easily fading and materializing only a few feet away. So, he still held the ability to shift only there was something like a wall that blocked his path back to Faery. At least she had left him his powers, though there was little else he could find positive about being forced to remain in the human realm. He settled down on the ground, bending his knees beneath him with the realization that he had but one choice. He would have to find the child.
The sun was quickly sinking beneath the horizon, painting a vivid array of pinks, blues, and reds in its wake. It was an utterly beautiful sight, Rhyvvic concluded, but all too fleeting. He stood slowly from his perch in the rolling plains of grass and stretched his arms high above his head, releasing the stiffness that had settled into his muscles. He gave one last glance over the beauty of the setting sun and faded from sight.















Comments
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"There's no such thing as writer's block. That was invented by people in California who couldn't write." - Terry Pratchett
Founder of #IdeaCentre, story development ground zero.
OK, heres what I have for the first paragraph. I apologize in advance for this being the longest comment youve ever received.
Sentence One:
Unseelie court? Is this the name of the court? If so, shouldn't it be capitalized? He stood and paced? I think you can only do one or the other.
Sentences Two and Three:
I might try to combine the first and second sentences into something like this: Rhyvvic Donahue twined his fingers behind his back and (or as he ) paced the hall outside the door to the high council of the Unseelie Court. That's all you need to get your point across. Just cut the next sentence. Everyone knows that you pace when you're nervous or impatient, so saying that Rhyvvic doesn't like to be keep waiting is rather belittling to a readers intelligence.
Sentence Four:
It's generally not a good idea to start a sentence with a conjunction such as and or but. Just drop the word or combine it with the previous sentence. In this case, I would drop it. "One did not ignore a direct order from the queen of darkness and shadows"? (I would capitalize them, btw.) Wait, who's point of view are we in? Rhyvvic's, right? Determine your POV and stick to it. Say something more like: "The queen had summoned him, (comma needed) and Rhyvvic was not about to ignore a direct order from the queen of Darkness and Shadows.
Sentence Five:
"Bien, the queen's consort, (COMMA!) appeared in a swirl of long, (COMMA!) silvery hair and burgundy robes. A few things on this. First, when describing a person after you give their name, you always encase that description with two commas. One is placed after the name and the other after the last word of the interjected description. Secondly, the words "long" and "silvery" are both adjectives and should therefore be separated with commas since they are listed consecutively. Finally, you say "robes" plural. Is he wearing more than one robe? Nice description, but it's a bit confusing.
OK, so I didnt do every sentence in the first paragraph, but I think I'll stop now. I feel like an English teacher.
One last thought before I just read the rest of this for the enjoyment of it. Your paragraphs are way too long, and I don't just say that because long paragraphs bore me and turn me away from good writing. Only one person ought to think, act, or speak per paragraph. That's why they were invented; to help readers differentiate between characters and to keep action clear. You have Rhyvvic acting, Bien acting and speaking, and Rhyvvic acting again all in the same paragraph. So it needs to be three paragraphs. Hope all that makes sense and doesnt make you feel like a failure as a writer! That was not the intent at all. You definitely have a knack for story telling, but theres always room to improve! (As I know of myself very, very well, lol. My writing is so far from perfect.)
I really, really appreciated your honest review of my story and wanted to return the favor in the same manner.
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"There's no such thing as writer's block. That was invented by people in California who couldn't write." - Terry Pratchett
Founder of #IdeaCentre, story development ground zero.
Commas...we had this discussion on another of my pieces. I have issues with commas. We're trying to put aside our differences and work together. Long story short, I know the proper use of a comma but shy away from it because I feel I'm overusing them and second guess myself. So that is a constant battle I am attempting to end.
Paragraphs. Also an issue with me. I remember back to the writing classes in school where you were forced to have an introductory sentence, a minimum of three middle sentences, and a conclusion sentence for every paragraph. So mine end up long because I feel I break too frequently. I'll work on that.
Unseelie should be capitalized. I gave in and looked it up because I couldn't decide.
Pacing. Arguably, couldn't you pace in a circle? As in she paced round and round as she circled her prey? Definition: any of various standard linear measures, representing the space naturally measured by the movement of the feet in walking. Thus, he paced back and forth describes precisely how he is moving. Its all about drawing that picture and I find the more descriptive, the better. Also, the reader wouldn't instinctively know how Rhyvvic is feeling in that moment. He could be pacing for a number of reasons (boredom, nervousness, anxiousness). It is important to let the reader know how he feels and introduce them to the character.
While I don't agree with the -ing verbs, I do see how I might use them too frequently. I just get tired of starting sentences with 'He'. He walked through the door... He took a seat... -ing verbs allow the sentence to be rearranged. I'll try cutting back though.
Conjunctions are fine, as long as you know how to use them. If I stopped using them a lot of my sentences would be run on. I'll keep an eye on how many I use again.
POV is tricky because it will eventually be in two different POVs. Once the story begins. So I'll work on that as I can already see it is going to be a challenge.
And, yes, robes is plural. Think ceremonial robes. Lots of layers.
In the end I'll probably end up reworking a lot of this as I'm still not 100% happy with the ending. Thank you for your honest critique. Its hard not to take it all personally and I did my best to really consider each suggestion. This is going to be a piece I end up revisiting as I really need to move forward with the actual story, then eventually come back and fix this up. I'm glad you enjoyed it though.
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..::The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.::..
Commas. It's hard to over use a comma. As long as you know the rules and stick to them without placing commas in random places, you really can't go wrong. Commas are the most common punctuation mark and have the most rules, so it does take a while to learn them all--and practice.
As for paragraphs, remember that you're writing fiction now, not an essay. Throw your English teacher's rules out the window.
Pacing . . . hmmmm . . . I guess I've just always paced back and forth, so my characters do the same thing. It actually never crossed my mind that you might pace in a circle. lol. However, pacing is a repetitive motion, as is walking back and forth, so using the two descriptions in the same sentence might be considered redundant by some and descriptive by others. Everyone looks at writing differently, and you can't please everyone. Just write the way that you see fit.
As for telling the reader how Rhyvvic feels, everything I've always been taught says that you should show, not tell. Let the reader figure things out through your characters' actions and thoughts rather than just saying it through passive narrative. I would advice making him act or think something that lets the reader know what he's feeling instead of just telling them. Again, do as you as the writer see fit.
Yeah, starting every sentence with he or she or a name does get boring. Still, any verb ending with "ing" is a weaker verb than one that ends with "ed" or no suffix at all. Yes, use "ing" words some, but not too much. It takes a lot of practice. My writing used to be plagued with them.
I never said not to use conjunctions. That's what they do in children's books.
There's nothing wrong with having more than one POV. I have many, many POVs in my writing. Just be careful to only use one per paragraph. POV is very subtle. It's really easy to switch from a character's POV to a omniscient POV without even realizing it.
Lots of layers of robes. Got it. Maybe you could describe it a little different so it's more clear, though? idk, do whatever seems right to you.
No need to consider every suggestion. I make too many anyhow. Everyone has a different style, so my best advice is to stick to yours and write the way you see fit. I guess I'm just stressing the importance of understanding basic writing and English rules and following them in your writing.
It is hard not to take critiques personally, and I have a love hate relationship with them. It's not that people don't like your story; it's that they want you to improve. Once I get that through my head, I can take the advice that works for me, forget the rest, and become a better writer because of it. Yay for critiques! lol Sad thing is, it's often a near impossibility to find anyone who knows enough about writing and English to actually give a worthwhile critique.
Happy writing!
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"There's no such thing as writer's block. That was invented by people in California who couldn't write." - Terry Pratchett
Founder of #IdeaCentre, story development ground zero.
I really do appreciate critiques since, once I get passed trying to defend myself, they do help to structure my writing a little more. I always want to improve, its just hard to consider every little thing and still try to maintain a story worth reading.
I like the thought of throwing the English teacher's rules out the window. I took technical writing in college and man, was that a bundle of fun...
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..::The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.::..
Technical writing . . . *gags* There are not words strong enough to state my detest of the subject. That must be why I stick to fiction . . .
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"There's no such thing as writer's block. That was invented by people in California who couldn't write." - Terry Pratchett
Founder of #IdeaCentre, story development ground zero.
I admit, I didn't get a chance to read much of it, only a few (not that it didn't draw me in), but I definately will be checking back on this.
And I see you're now seperating your paragraphs. In my opinion, it's a definate attention keeper without the reader staring down a fortress of words. However, always go with the way you feel is right, otherwise it'll effect your writing. I used to write my stories in large blocks of paragraph after paragraph, which seemed like I was only throwing stuff together, but then I began seperating, and now I feel comfortable with my writings. You should try different writing styles, who knows, you could be operating out of your comfort zone, and maybe that's why you can't get passed the beginning's of your stories. ^^ Good luck
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I'm part of Project Reciprocation
~The Eighth Plain [link]
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..::The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.::..
Keep it up!
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If there's really a fine line between genius and insanity...I must have cut it.
-Irish
This is what I get for writing late at night and not proof reading. Lots of little grammatical issues that irk me to no end when I'm awake and coherent
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..::The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.::..
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